Six months. That's how long it took after I started public school to decide I wanted a girlfriend. Yes, my newly found hormones were partially to blame. Yet, they were not my sole reason for this sudden desire. Before I get into all those details, I have to preface some things. The first is that even though I'm sharing personal parts of my life for all the world to read, whenever I deem it necessary, I may change names and certain details for obvious reasons. Secondly, there are stories that will appear here or have appeared here that have never been told in part or in full. This will be one of them. Now that you have been informed, let's proceed with this tale.
My first two quarters of public school I spent trying to get adjusted to my new life. I was concerned with being able to fit in, dealing with severe anxiety, and trying to be a straight A student because anything else to me meant I wasn't good enough. As time marched on, my concern for those things lessened. I began making friends and was slowly establishing myself. A big part of this development was observation. I paid close attention to how the popular kids acted and how the ones who seemed to have a core group of friends carried themselves. I had become pretty good friends with two people who were dating. One was very athletic and loved basketball. Basketball was the sport I enjoyed most as a kid. While I was nowhere near as good as him, he never once told me I sucked when we played and saw some potential in me. I admired him for that. His girlfriend was incredibly kind and had a way of making an awkward and nerdy kid felt seen. She could definitely catch your eye in a crowded room and the fact that she treated me like a good friend early on made me feel like I was on cloud 9.
Those two gelled really well together and when I saw what they had, I knew it was something I wanted. When I thought about who I might fancy, I was surprised how quickly someone came to mind. We'll call her Laura (not her real name). She was of the quiet type, at least in a public setting. Not tall in stature, but I found her really cute and loved her smile. My last bit of reasoning was that if I took my shot with someone who was closer to my league, I'd have a smaller chance of being rejected.
I hadn't interacted with her too much in the first half of the year, thus making me wonder if she even noticed me. My solution to this problem was to try to talk to her more. Say "hi" in the hallways. Try to make small talk when opportunity arose. I even sat at nearby lunch tables or the same one if it was of the larger type. I thought I was putting my best effort forward while being as subtle as possible. I also was nervous about asking her out and was waiting for what I hoped would be the right opportunity. That opportunity was going to come much faster than I expected.
One fateful afternoon, I logged into the computer and waited for the ever painful dial-up to connect. As soon as it did, I logged into AIM. Before I could open the browser, I hear the all familiar "ping". An instant message popped up before my eyes. It was from someone not on my friend's list, but her screen-name was mostly her birth name. So I knew right away who it was. The message was direct. It went something like this: "Hi. I have a question. Do you like Laura?" My eyes went wide. It was blunt and it shattered all my thoughts of having been subtle. I was caught completely off guard. "What?" was all I could reply. "Do you like Laura?" she asked again. I was trapped. I didn't want to lie to her and potentially ruin any chance I had with Laura. So in the nerdiest way possible, I replied with "Seventy percent as a friend and thirty percent like her." "Great. That's all I wanted to know." I don't recall if there was more to that conversation, but I believe it ended there.
I was now in damage control. Laura wasn't on AIM at that moment so I logged out. Later that day, I booted the PC up and logged back in hopping she would be on. Bingo. I opened with a cordial "hello". She responded and I told her I had an important question. I came out blazing. "Do you like me?" There was a short pause in her reply, but to me it was an eternity. *Ping* "No. But we can still be friends. My parents wouldn't let me date right now anyway." And there it was. My first rejection. Was it a dagger? No. But it did feel like a pin prick. A sharp, quick jab whose sting was a fleeting moment.
There was a lot I didn't understand in that moment. But years down the road, so many things became clear. I discovered that I had no idea between feelings and loving someone romantically. The pain was brief because I did not establish anything, share any part of my life with her, nor build up a relationship. Hindsight makes me forever grateful that a relationship did not form. Now that I'm well into my adult years, I fully understand I was in no way, shape, nor form ready for a relationship. Especially not in the seventh grade. At that age, I had no concept of commitment to another person and how much it would be required to actually keep and hold a relationship. There's a reason adults tell you to wait until college or later. Now I'm not saying high school is too early as I've seen those relationships start there, blossom through college, and make it well beyond the average divorce rate. For some people it works out. But when one has matured, acquired a steady job, has their finances in order, and other adulting aspects come to fruition, a relationship becomes more meaningful and has a better chance of lasting for years to come. Plus as a kid, I had my whole life ahead of me. No need to rush into a relationship then because I simply wanted to.
I do need to note that it still took me a while to comprehend all of that as my ignorance in the dating world was going to put me in some goofy situations not long after that very rejection. And as for Laura, I did not try to pursue her anymore through the rest of Jr. High. And surprisingly enough, no one else other than her close friend ever confronted me about my feelings for her. She didn't treat me any different and didn't push me away either. We remained friends for the rest of our Jr. High years.
I've never told that story to anyone in full. Mainly because I was never really asked, but more so because I didn't really ever have the desire to. You never know when life is going to hit you with an intense, but meaningful lesson. And it definitely taught me some things that still took me a while to fully learn. I felt I needed to include it here as it is a crucial part of my story. And this was only the beginning of find the answer to the age old question...what is love?
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