I'm not satisfied with that title. I pondered over a slew of options but couldn't find one to best describe what I'm about to say. You may think it doesn't matter that much, but coming from a place of experience, it does. I've been writing this blog for nearly 13 years now. And while I mostly do it for my love of writing and to share my thoughts with anyone who may take a pause to read them, sometimes I do it because I'm hoping certain people will simply happen to see the post and read it. A hail mary of expression if you will. So I ponder these titles and hope they live up to their allure.
Now to my main reason for this post. I've had a lot on my mind lately. Mostly about people. There's been a lot of change in my connections with many of them throughout the years and it's not always to my liking. As I continue to write my life's story here, the more reflection hits me. That combined with all the different situations surrounding me that are creating chaos in my well being.
This is going to be somewhat vague and a lot of non-flowing thought, but that's how this cookie is going to crumble. I hope I'm wrong about this first one, but in the past two years, I think I had a long-time friend who I was close with in high school and have kept in touch with throughout the years suddenly ghost me. I visited this person last in 2021 and nothing seemed off then. But for the last two years, not one response to a single text. Maybe they changed their number and forgot to tell me, but I don't truly believe that because if someone else had gotten that number, they may have sent me a "wrong number" reply which I never got. And this person hasn't made one attempt to reach out to me in two years, even though I've tried numerous times. It gnaws at me because I'm always wondering if it's something I did or said and have no idea what it could be I'm hoping I'm simply wrong and they somehow reappear again.
I have another high school friend who was very influential on my passion for writing. And when I say influential, I mean they are 80% of the reason I not only decided to continue writing through high school and beyond, but they also critiqued it in a way and helped me refine it to be closer to what it is today. After we graduated, I was able to keep in touch a bit throughout college. They moved out of state post college and I have tried a few times throughout the years to meet up, but it has not yet worked out. I haven't seen this person in 14 years and there are times I wish I could reconnect with them, even for a day.
There was someone who came from another state, lived here for a handful of years, was close with my age group of friends, and served in the church. This person eventually moved back to where they came from and I did not see them as much anymore, but still thought about them from time to time. Then seemingly out of nowhere, I found out they had blocked me on facebook. It caught me off guard as I could not fathom what I had done to cause such a heavy action. It hurt. And I still have no idea to this day what was the cause. I wish I knew. If it was something I did to offend them, it was unintentional and I would like to mend that situation. Even if I don't believe I did anything wrong, it kills me not knowing what happened.
A friend from many moons ago was involved in my childhood. Then when I moved away, we simply drifted apart. I managed to get in touch with them years later, but that was the last time. They've basically fallen off the grid. Facebook account is long gone. They changed their phone number and the only person I could get it from was told not to give it out. I have not seen them in nearly ten years. Yet, they still inhabit my thoughts every now and then. And I would honestly go to great lengths just to get a phone call from them.
Then there are many dear friends whom I've known for years, but we live quite far apart. I would still see them frequently as our churches did many joint events throughout the years. But in recent times, there have been changes that have caused me to see them less and less. We're not on bad terms by any means. Far from it. But not having seen some of them in 5-10 years is quite maddening. On a recent trip I got into a deep discussion with a friend. In that conversation, they asked a simple question. "Is there anyone you really want to see?" I didn't hold back, I rattled off a lengthy list of names. The reality of it is, if you told me that I could see at least one of these people again, but there would be a price, I'd have two words. "Name it."
Exposing thought. There are times I wish I didn't care as much as I do. Because then these empty holes wouldn't hurt so much. Second exposing thought. There are some people that don't fall into the MIA category. But there are some things that I wish they knew that I don't have the words to express it to them for fear of damaging a relationship that isn't currently damaged. Who knows, maybe one day the cards will be played right, the door will open, and it will be necessary to spill the beans. But for now, I'll keep riding the waves.
I started this post over a month ago, when my feelings on this subject were much stronger than they are now. But I didn't want this post to end up as one of the many unfinished and unpublished drafts sitting on this blog. As I finish this, I realize there's not really a good time to post something like this, but felt the need to let it loose. Ultimately, I'm in good shape. But these thoughts and feelings of missing people come and go like the wind. Maybe a resolution will come and maybe it won't. Only time will be able to reveal that. That is all.
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