A Hard Journey Filled With Grace

This story begins near the end of my senior year of high school. I was well into the process of choosing a college to attend to further my education. This process wasn't as painful as I expected it to be. Pause.

Up until my sophomore year of high school, I was a straight A student. This wasn't because I was intellectually gifted nor because I overachieved, but rather because I put in the time and effort and because I had the one on one attention from being home-schooled for eight years. Then I ran into material I wasn't so familiar with and a few teachers who wanted 150% when only 100% was fathomable. But I made it through my sophomore year with good grades and figured I could handle what my junior and senior years would throw at me...I was half right.

Junior year rolled around and they weren't kidding when they said it was the toughest of the four years. The work load was heavy, I had a teacher or two was slightly nuts, and I realized that the way I learned things became a whole lot harder. I came to the realization that I'm a visual learner. If you tell me how something should work, but don't give me an example or write it down, I might struggle. But as soon as I see the formula, a picture, or an example of how the problem is done, I feel like Thomas Edison when he finally got the light bulb to work. But because schools are under pressure to make sure kids know everything that the board of education requires kids to know, or they have to teach everything on an AP test in a limited amount of time, stuff gets lost. And that's how I felt for all of my junior year. I became burnt out and knew then and there that school wasn't for me anymore. Yet it wasn't something I could stop. Well I could, but I also saw how crucial education is and realized it was going to be a long grind. I couldn't take anymore projects, papers, or tests. I hated nearly every single one. Even if I got an A I still hated it. I had no idea how I was going to make it through, but I knew I had the Lord right beside me every step.

Play. Back to choosing a college. The allure of college never drew me. The thought of moving away, visiting many profound and popular colleges, living the "college life" and "being free" wasn't my forte. I had one school and one school only in mind. The Ohio State University. It was my dream school. From seeing the campus years before, all the photos from friends who went or were currently attending, from the Buckeye's games during football season; that's where I wanted to be. I didn't want to waste my time with college visits or a lot of applications and their nasty fees. I was dead set on OSU. However, like most things in life, the original plans changed.

First of all, I had to decide what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I was fortunate enough to know from my early high school years that I wanted to be an engineer. I loved legos as a kid as well as building, tinkering with, and creating things. Engineering seemed like the perfect occupation for me. Thankfully, OSU has an engineering program. Boom. No need for anything else, my heart was set. Then, there are those people that God places in your life to keep you from making too rash a decision. Those people encouraged me to apply to at least one or two more schools just in case I didn't get accepted into OSU. I figured that was a good idea. I researched a bit more and came up with two more schools: The University of Central Florida and Akron University. Both have really good engineering programs and UCF's would allow students to visit Disney World and study the engineering of the rides there. I also knew people at Akron. Someone also mentioned that I should give Cleveland State a shot, but at first I was a firm no. In all honesty, even though I had heard good things about their engineering program, I didn't like their campus, I didn't really know anyone going there, no good sports teams, and in my mind, it was a bottom feeder school. It wasn't happening.

As I began the application process, money started to play a factor. My parents told me that if there was a school I really wanted to go to, I shouldn't write it off due to the cost. That eased my fears a little, but I still didn't want to have them pay for much if anything at all. I also didn't want to be drowning in debt after I graduated. Those feelings ruled out UCF. Sure I knew about financial aid and scholarships, but the tuition, the fees, the housing costs, etc wasn't worth it for me. Again, CSU was mentioned and since I was now taking cost as a factor, I didn't slam the door on CSU. I figured anyone could get into CSU and if OSU and Akron don't take me then at least I'll still go to college.

Three applications were all I sent. OSU. Akron. And CSU. At this point, I was still wrestling with the Lord about OSU and for some strange reason, there was a little nudge towards CSU. Well the good news was I got accepted into college. Matter of fact, I went three for three on acceptance letters. The kicker? OSU took two months, Akron one month, and CSU...two weeks. I was elated that I got into OSU, but yet there was another feeling to not close the door on CSU. Why? Well when the acceptance letters came in, they came with scholarship money. CSU's offer was $500 more then what Akron offered and as for OSU...zilch. I spoke with the Lord again asking Him if I could still go to OSU, but if He really wanted me at CSU, He had to make it very clear and not just small nudges.

Not long after, CSU offered a scholarship competition to all potential incoming freshman. I figured I'd take a stab and see what I could get. I had to take a math exam and write an essay. Neither seemed hard, but I didn't expect much. Thankfully I was wrong and the scholarship money per year for four years that CSU was offering doubled. Plus, when the financial aid numbers came in, they made up the lack the scholarships couldn't cover and then some. Right then and there, I knew the Lord wanted me at CSU and I had to leave OSU behind. It wasn't the easiest decision, but I had put my trust in the Lord and He provided.

Now because I was on partial scholarships and financial aid, didn't mean the four years was guaranteed to be covered. So I took out loans each year that were slightly less then what the scholarships were worth. Unfortunately, those went straight to the school along with the financial aid so any scholarship money went straight into my account. However, I refused to touch it except to help buy books.

My first two years at CSU flew by almost without a hitch. The fear I had that college was going to be way harder then high school evaporated after I breezed through freshman year. This was partially because I had tested out of zero general education classes and those for the most part were a snoozefest. I did, however, have a couple bumps that affected the rest of my college career. Those bumps were Calc I and Calc II.

Going into engineering, I was pretty good at math...except calculus. In high school, I was so far ahead of the game that I didn't need a math my senior year and could've avoided Calculus altogether...especially since they only offered AP Calc and I wanted nothing to do with it. But my math teacher of two years had faith in me and strongly encouraged me to take it. So I did, but reluctantly. From day one I regretted that decision. Sure if I did well enough on the AP test I could get out of taking that class in college. But I stood no chance. My Calc teacher was brand new at Lakewood High and probably not that far removed from her college years. Strike one. The class was at 8AM first thing in the morning. Strike two. She also taught with minimal examples and rushed each section from the pressure to meet all topics for the AP exam. Strike three. That was the hardest class I ever endured in high school and I probably should've dropped it rather then endure such misery. But I never gave up on a class and I didn't want to let my former math teacher down. I fought tooth and nail through that class and an error on my part almost cost me.

I decided I wasn't going to take the AP exam because I didn't want to pay the ridiculous fee for a test I didn't think I was going to do well on. Well...after the deadline passed to sign up for the exam, the math teachers announced that anyone taking the AP exam, regardless of how well they did on it, would get and A on the final and not have to take it. That hurt. So I ponied up, gritted my teeth and made it through the final exam. Senior year was finished and saying goodbye to high school was bittersweet.

Because I didn't get the college credit, Calc I and II loomed over my head. I went in with confidence that I would beat them this time around. But...again I struggled. The professor spent most classes going over proofs rather then the actual way of doing the problem then had a nasty habit of giving homework problems that were 10x the difficulty of what he taught. Same thing happened for Calc II. Two different professors, same last name. They made me forever loathe calculus. Although I did make it through, because calculus was a prerequisite to every engineering class, there wasn't much I could take until I got by Calc. It was not fun.

After two years, an opportunity to take a year off school and serve the Lord full time arose. It was known as the Great Lakes Christian Internship. I wanted to do it, but I had to be sure that the Lord wanted it too. The pros were I would get a taste of serving the Lord full time, I would get an opportunity to go deeper with Him, I would gain knowledge about the Bible, I would not have to worry about papers, homework, and tests for a year, and I would be doing it with many other people I knew and loved. The cons were that it meant no incoming funds for a year, student loan payments would come after six months, possibility of losing a scholarship, college friends graduating before me, the year could backfire and push me farther away from the Lord, and the effect of returning to school after a year off.

The hesitation was momentary and I felt a good leading from the Lord so I did it. And guess what. The Lord supplied in many ways. First, my scholarship got put on hold so I didn't lose it. Second, the unused scholarship money in my savings was $57 more then what my loans were so I was able to pay off the loans for my first two years of college. Third, the first job I ever had was an on campus job and it paid minimum wage, but because I didn't have a car and I didn't get a phone until halfway through my first year off college, I had enough money set aside to support myself for the year. Fourth after the year ended, I had about $500 left in my bank account. Within a month, $300 disappeared due to an illegal lane shift I made that caused a fender-bender. Yet, somehow, that $200 was enough to cover me until the first paycheck came in.

Going back to CSU felt like I'd never left. I was right back at my job, saw my friends, classes didn't seem different, life went on. As my junior year dragged on, life became less fun. Classes got rough, I was on campus 12 hours a day for most of the week, and I was once again burnt out. To make matters worse, that year was so rough that my grades weren't high enough to keep that scholarship. I felt like I fought through sludge to keep that scholarship and they still took it away.

Senior year didn't get any easier. My friends I started with graduated and CSU did something that they thought was helpful to the students, but for the ones who had been around as long I had, it made our last years a living nightmare. For undergrads, CSU went from a four and three credit hour system to just a three credit hour system. The engineering college decided they didn't want to lose that credit hour, so they changed a lot of their four credit hour classes to three credit hour classes with a 1 credit lab or two 2 credit hour classes. Sure the work load for each class was lighter, but we now had more labs we had to take or an extra class which meant more work, more tests, more blah.

This change among a few other things extended me another whole year and I was already in a five year program. When the FAFSA came in for that final year, their only loan offer was $12,000. I was not taking out $12,000 more in my final year. So what the financial aid didn't cover I had to dip into my savings to cover. And it wasn't cheap. Thankfully those co-ops I did helped to replenish my savings.

At this point I was looking to graduate with maybe $2400 in debt. The co-ops paid well and the story that goes along with the struggles and triumphs I faced in those is a book in itself. To make it short, the Lord came through again. I figured after all I've been through, $2400 wasn't bad at all. I had I thought in my mind that it would be great to pay off all my loans and still have $500 left in my savings. I never asked the Lord for this because I figured He had done plenty for me and my return wasn't sufficient. That my friends is highly foolish thinking. He is my Father and loves to care for me, with abundance, even when I fail, even when I squander what He has given. "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."~Matthew 7:7 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."~2 Corinthians 12:9a. People have asked me through college after hearing about the struggles I went through if that year I took off was really worth it. My response, never regretted that decision for a second and was one of the best I made in my life.

People do many things with their tax refund. Take a vacation. Buy a new toy. Usually something that doesn't involve bills, debts, etc. I usually put it into my checking as a funds boost. This year however, was a little different. When the main refund came in, it covered the cash I lacked and then some for the loans. I was ever so grateful. But then the state refund came in and added to the other refund, it was just over $500 beyond what I owed. I was moved beyond words. I didn't even ask Him for this and He gave it to me anyway. He brought me through the seven years to finish college, carried me through the hard times, and danced with me in the joyous times. He allowed me to go through all I went through, to show that His grace was even more. Now here I am with a certified diploma that states I'm an engineer and debt free. But the real truth is, Christ is enough for me and He is all I need. 

A Pyro's Thoughts

Fire. It burns. It consumes. It destroys. Yet, it warms. It cooks. It creates light. It fascinates me. I'm what some would classify as a pyro (short for pyromaniac), but only in the lightest of terms. The true definition of a pyro is someone who has a strong desire to set things on fire and is usually associated with a mental illness to do these things harmfully and without remorse.

However, my pyro status means that although I do enjoy burning things, I would never do it for damage, malicious intent, or harm. I build controlled fires whenever I can. I play with fire, but only to my limit and not to sheer stupidity.

A magical thing about building a fire is its location. Have you ever built or relaxed by one on a beach? With your toes in the sand, the breeze on your skin, the sound of the waves crashing on the beach, and the sun drifting beyond the horizon? The fire then becomes your main source of light as the stars come out and you sit there with your friends, discussing life, taking in the views, and enjoying life. Have you ever built one in the woods in the pitch black of night? Where you can see millions of stars and only hear the sounds of the woods? Where you can swap stories and tales of legend? Or cooked the best campfire treat in the world...a S'more? Have you ever been warmed by one in a friend's backyard? Where there's not much else to do except sit around it, unwind from the day, and enjoy each other's company? Unless you have experienced each of these, the above words don't do them complete justice.

What draws me to it and enthralls me so, is hard to explain unless you've actually built one of your own, sit next to it, tend to it, and stay there until everything has burned to ash. I generally build them high and roaring. People have said that they can tell that this is a "Josh Watkins" fire. And they love it. But then there are times it is necessary to build a smaller, more average size fire. The best part is, that when you build one, people are drawn to it. They'll come sit around it. Sometimes they'll ignore the fire and enjoy each other's company, but that's the point isn't it? To create something everyone loves, that draws people, that creates moments, memories, joy. This is my ultimate purpose. Is to draw people to my creation and smile as they reach a happy place. As the famous movie line from Field of Dreams says "If you build it they will come."