Deep Emotions

On the Edge

By Josh Watkins

Here I am, standing on the edge of a canyon,

A canyon which overlooks a beautiful horizon.

I used to come here many summer nights,

Just to clear my mind and slow down.

However, that is not what I am here for.

Who am I? What have I become?

Does anyone care? Does anyone know how I feel?

One step to the left and I end my miserable life.

One step to the right and life will continue on.

These loose rocks here at my feet,

They are insignificant to most people.

But to me, they mean something.

They were once part of this great canyon,

And for a human, every part of us matters.

A rock is like a sign of endurance,

They cannot be burned, nor will they break easily.

The more of them that are together, the stronger they are.

I do not feel strong. I feel sorry that I was ever born.

All the people I have hurt, all the damage I have caused;

Is it worth it for me to go on?

I could end all my pain and sorrows right now.

Just one step and it’s all over.

When I came here, I thought about many things.

I thought about things like oceans and rivers.

I am like an ocean.

I am calm and quiet until a storm comes along,

And turns me into a violent mass of rage and fury.

I go mad and cause pain and anger than no man deserves.

This canyon here also has something to be proud of.

It would not be here nor would this spectacular view,

If it wasn't for the diligence of a river.

A river spent hundreds of years creating this beautiful masterpiece;

Through droughts and floods, it pushed on,

Until it finally created this marvelous canyon.

I used to be this way; so strong and willing.

I am on the edge of life and of death.

I should just jump right now.

This is the only way to end the pain.

No one will miss me, no one will care.

Just one final step!

I cannot do it.

I was given this life and I have no right to take it.

Now I see, my eyes have been opened, it is not my time.

Someone will care, someone will cry, someone does love me.

To this canyon I will return, to clear my mind.

I shall live on. I shall right the wrongs I have done.

What was I thinking? What was I going to do?

I shall never know.

Here I am, on the edge.

I thought I had written this one later than I did, but going back through my facebook notes, I discovered that this was yet another English project and it was actually my first free verse. This was because we had to write a poem with a Walt Whitman-esque style.

Now if you're reading this and are concerned, don't be. I wrote this at a time when I was going through a lot and it was also to reflect upon my past. I did have dark thoughts at times, but nothing lasting and most of it was out of anger rather than sorrow. I was never suicidal, but would wonder (when I got enraged) if people other than my family would miss me. I was honing my new found love for writing and slowly putting my thoughts, emotions, and memories into words. 

This is also the first piece to have a dark side, but it was also written to remind people that no matter how bad life may be, how empty and pointless it may seem, that people still care about you and love you. That there's hope unseen. That this life has a greater meaning and purpose far beyond man's comprehension. And that salvation is near. 

Like my other earlier works, this piece needs some editing, but I am still proud of it and it is one of my favorites still. Life is good...no scratch that. This is the Great Life.