Starting this post is hard. I've tried multiple times. Each time I picked it up, I stopped. Because I wasn't sure if I wanted to say the things I was saying or it wasn't coming out the way I wanted it. And each time I tried again, things changed to where I didn't feel what I wrote was entirely relevant anymore. But I'm now at the point where I've gotta get it out. Not in a facebook post. Not in a video or vlog. But through writing. This one may be long so please bear with me.
As this year progresses my mind constantly reels back to a facebook post I issued forth on new years day 2020. I stated "2020. I love the ring that comes with saying it. I feel good things are gonna happen this year." And at the time I truly believed that. But right now I cringe just thinking about it. Now I know it's only April and there's still another full 8 months left, but this year is doing its best to end up on my top 3 bad years list. And sure, you could say that this may be the worst year for many people because we are in the midst of a worldwide pandemic that many have not experienced in their lifetime, me included. But for me, that's only a part and here's why.
I decided in October of 2019 to get new tires on my car. I was not driving another Cleveland winter slipping and sliding. Now tires are not cheap, but my car hand no other major issues so I decided it was worthwhile to drop the money to replace them. Then when 2019 gave way to 2020, the problems started pouring in. Within two months I had to replace a ball joint, an actuator, four rims, and the timing system in my engine. Now for perspective, my car is a 2008 Chevy Malibu with 165,XXX miles. For a 12 year old car, the amount of money I put into it to keep it functional was nowhere close to being worth it. So why do it? Because I had just put a lot into the tires, I wasn't planning on getting a new car anytime soon, and I needed a functional vehicle. Essentially my hand was forced. And it sucked.
This next part I have not discussed with many people. I did not write about it when it happened because I needed time and didn't feel that sharing it then would be beneficial. In January of 2020, I lost a friend. This person I had only known a year. But I felt like that year was equal to 10 at least. I was someone he could talk to freely. We'd frequently meet at Lakewood Park and watch the sunset while discussing life. There are two things he told me that will stay with me until the day I die. The first is when he told me what he said to his brother after really meeting me for the first time. The conversation went like this: (Him): "You know what I told my brother when he asked me what I thought of you? (Me): No, what? (Him): I said "he's a stupid idiot who talks too much." But now that I know you, you're definitely not a stupid idiot. But you still talk too much." I laughed pretty hard when he told me that. It still puts a smile on my face thinking about it. The second thing is a poem he really liked that he read to me called Reason, Season, or Lifetime. It's an incredible piece (google it) and he expressed how much it meant to him. He shared that with me because I meant something to him as a friend. And that meant a lot. I never thought that in a year's time, he'd fall into the reason category. What that reason is, I still haven't figured out. But in January of 2020, he unexpectedly passed away. He was only in his twenties.
There were other minor frustrations that added to the mix, but it's now time I discussed this evil virus. I'll be the first to admit that when news of this broke that this virus was plaguing China, I didn't give it too much thought. Why? Because up until this point, I had lived through SARS, Bird Flu, Swine Flu, West Nile Virus, Ebola, Zika Virus, etc. And when I say "lived through" I mean I was alive while they were a big problem, but I didn't experience them/get sick from them. While they are all terrible diseases and they affected many people, they were mostly big problems elsewhere in the world, but they didn't affect my life the way COVID-19 has. And most of these happened while I was a carefree and slightly ignorant teenager. For the most part, life continued on as normal. So when this new virus reached America's shores, I again, thought this was something that would too quickly pass, even though I saw what it had done to China. Then the NBA suspended it's season. The state of Ohio also immediately took action and began shutting things down. Pretty soon I found myself working from home, only going out to get fresh air, food, and necessities. My world, like many others, had drastically change.
I'm an extrovert. A creative soul with a voracious hunger for travel. One who's social life is a big part of who I am. So this whole social distancing thing really hurts. But I get why it needs to be done. And sure, I've connected with people with zoom video and phone, but it's not the same. I've been told many times in my life not to take the simple things for granted. And by the time I was in college, that's what I did. Those late weekend nights hanging out with friends, getting late night food, watching sporting events, and just hanging out, those meant the world to me. I can recall many of those nights from memory. But in reality, everything that's taken away from me during this pandemic is not my major concern. What concerns me the most are those more affected by this than I am. My friends and family who works in jobs that are completely shuttered. The ones who work in fields dealing with the disease or have to interact with people in person on a daily basis. Those people who can't work from home, can't hug their children, cancelled weddings, graduations, the list goes on. And I see it all. We live in a social media age where people like to share nearly everything. So my heart is heavy for them.
The world changed after 9/11/01. The way we travel was drastically affected. The fear people lived in for so long changed the way we live. When this pandemic comes to an end, things will not be the same. How different are they going to look? I don't know. No one does. And that's something else weighing on my mind.
I'm not going to try to force an encouraging ending here as that's not needed for every downer entry. This is simply to get this stuff off my chest. I'm not fine, but I'm still breathing and I'm okay. Okay is better than not. Stay well. Stay safe. And I'm praying that this pandemic is over soon.
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