Fourteen years of life had progressed and the earth took another trip around the sun. I still hadn't given up the hope that we would be returning to PA. I did let the wall I was trying to keep up come down a few levels. My friendship bond with Timothy and Jeremiah was getting stronger. We were sleeping over at each other's houses on a more frequent basis. We would bond about our weeks in interests on Friday nights and Sunday afternoons. At this point, my goal to not make close friends was dead and buried.
Yet, I still had something holding me back. This terrible thing called anxiety. I've been no stranger to telling of its dastardly deeds, its ghastly games, and its harrowing haunts. By this point it had become a ghost in the night. It wasn't prevalent, but it was always there in the background and could strike at any moment. Some days you could tell when it was eating me alive, other days it was a hidden scar. My parents didn't sit by on the sidelines, but there was only so much they could do. It wasn't a disease that could be cured with a drug. At least that's what I thought.
Then one day my dad pulled me aside. He told me he had been recommended a liquid solution that helps with nerves. It wasn't a prescribed medicine, but my brain said otherwise. I vehemently said no. My brain screamed that if I touched that stuff, it would mean there was something truly wrong with me. And while I refused my dad's suggestion, he still managed to help me in a way he probably had not intended.
Being offered that solution triggered a switch in my brain. It decided that it was going to do whatever it took to not have to take that stuff nor be offered any other medicinal-like solution for my anxiety. What had me in chains for years suddenly showed signs of rust. A death grip became a small squeeze. It was like a weight had been lifted. And all my brain needed was the right motivation.
Now that's not to say it went away over night. But I was now able to handle it head on. If I was invited on a trip or to an event at an unfamiliar location, no longer would I hesitate about going or worry about the details and how I would be able to get from point A to point B. Suddenly my world became brighter. Life was more enjoyable and I was constantly kicking anxiety in the teeth.
For a 14 year old, that was a big life accomplishment. It gave me confidence that I really could overcome issues in my life. It was like a new window to the world opened before my very eyes. But it also reminded me of a moment years ago where my childhood friend Wesley spoke something that hit me in the core. We had made our annual trip down to Camp Wabanna and that was the year of the crazy storm. Wesley could tell something was off, but he couldn't lay a finger on it. I was refusing to do something because of my anxiety and he simple said "What happened to the old Josh? I want him back." It was a simple observation, but those words danced in my brain for years. Thinking there was nothing I could do and downcast at the fact a close friend said such a thing. But now that's something I could look back on and say I had risen above.
Summer was quickly approaching and my time at Riverside was coming to a close. I'll save those stories for another entry because they need their own place. There was one sunny and warm afternoon where Timothy, Jeremiah, and I were enjoying the weekend. We were climbing trees, playing games on the hall property, and even climbed up onto the meeting hall roof. Then, Timothy and Jer concocted a brilliant idea. Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith had just hit theaters. They decided we should go see it and stay the night at Jer's house. Timothy had to go get permission so we followed him home. Jer's sister, Maria, was hanging with Timothy's sister, Hannah, and they were in earshot when Timothy asked. They decided that was a good idea and wanted to join. We contacted Jer's parents and mine and got the all around okay.
It wasn't long before we packed into the Johnson's Chevy Astro van and headed to Medina. I was giddy with anticipation because this was a first for me. Up until now, I had never been to a movie in a movie theater before. It was simply something that was never in my family's cards. But finally, my time had come. The Johnson's dad, Tim, being the driver, stayed for the movie. Jer's youngest brother Nathan joined us as well. We bought our tickets and piled into the theater. I was in awe of the massive silver screen before me. The size, the sound, heck even the previews made me feel like I was in a wonderland.
Then the lights dimmed, the crowd hushed, and the sound boomed. Those familiar words I had seen on VHS tapes and DVDs scrolled across the screen "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..." I was mesmerized through the whole movie and the theater was everything I hoped it would be...magical. Eventually the credits rolled and and my theater experience was complete. I knew from that moment I would make many more trips back.
We all went back to the Johnson's house that night where the six of us had a blast doing typical sleepover shenanigans into the early hours of the morning. Things were finally looking up, but 2005 was only beginning. Waves were coming and I would have to learn how to ride them and ride them fast.
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