This
is the con about writing here once a month. I have so many different blog
thoughts and I’ve started a few of them only to never finish them and leave
them as unsaved drafts to forever sit in a ghost-like abyss. Stuck between
worlds never moving in either direction. Maybe I’ll release them one day as a
whole, but for now they are quite irrelevant. I also cheated those of you
consistent readers last month with a blog post that took all of two seconds to
write. I have tons of ideas, but as I thought about writing each one, something
more important came up and I began to write, but I had to stop. Time passed and
each burning idea became an afterthought.
Currently
I’m writing this in a long car ride so I’m doing this in a word doc to paste
later. Hey don’t judge, I’ve got time to kill and I’m partially writing for you
the reader…so yeah.
Anyways,
a lot has happened to me recently and I need to release my mind. I’m on my last
spring break ever and I’ve never left town for it. This time, I decided after a
weekend church conference that I was going to hop in a car and visit three
cities in three days preaching the gospel. Normally, one wouldn’t do this, but
I had no other plans so why not? I love travel, challenges, adventure so I
went. The trip contained a lot of firsts. It was the first time I was in
Chicago, the first time I had deep dish pizza, the first time I was in
Kalamazoo, Michigan and the Bowman’s house, the first time I was on five
college campuses in three days, and the first time I rode with different people
and cars for each stage of the trip.
We
talked to a lot of people and handed out thousands of invites, yet the results
were few. However, people got saved. Even if the 20+ of us did all that work in
all three cities and only one person got saved, it was worth it. One soul being
saved from hell and turning to God makes the heavens rejoice. I personally
prayed with four people to receive Christ. That’s four more people to fight for
His kingdom. Four more saved from the clutches of sin, the devil, and hell.
Four more to be called a child of the Living God. Praise Him!
Yet,
things happened that affected me. And things that have already happened came
back to haunt me again. I’m about to be raw and lay it all out there so prepare
yourself emotionally…you have been warned.
On
the way to Chicago, I found out one of my best friends had gone missing. I’ve
been worried about him for a long time. What he’s gone through, how his life
has been, everything. It finally got bad enough that he left and told no one.
It’s been a month since anyone has heard from him. I don’t think he’s in
serious danger, but I’m terrified for where his thoughts could lead him. I feel
like I didn’t do enough to be there for him. And now I don’t know how long
it’ll be before I see him again.
Secondly,
I talked with a brother who was married to someone who I knew from back in PA. She
had gotten a call from another sister I knew back in PA who had hightailed it
to Nashville to join this strange group of “believers” and asked her to come
check it out. She did and never came back. She still keeps in contact, but only
once in awhile. This group has taken money from the former sister and when I
talked to the brother about the situation, he informed me that the group has
convinced other women (widows, ones with money) from all over the US to join
and recently the leader’s child got sick and wasn’t taken to a doctor because
they believed the group’s faith alone would heal the child…the child died. My
fears were confirmed. It’s a cult. A blasted cult. They prey on vulnerable
people. People I’ve known for so long and care about and it sickens me.
Recently,
a person I knew when I was younger and served me in jr high passed. He wasn’t’
doing so well and just like that he was gone. He’s the third person in four
years that meant something to me who has passed before the age of thirty. It’s
an emotional toll that is for sure worse for their loved ones than for me, but
I’m living with this constant fear of “who’s next?” and “how soon.”
Lastly,
there’s the hope that I graduate this spring. I’ve been mentally done with
school for so long that it’s not even funny. Sure, one doesn’t have to finish
in four years, but when it becomes seven and you see your friends graduate, get
jobs, and you’re stuck studying and doing meaningless projects…it takes a toll.
And the added tuition bills aren’t fun either.
Now
take me rightly. I know the Lord is here and He will carry me through all of
this, but when everything piles up and takes time to remedy, and your heart
aches for all these people and their situations that affect me directly…it
hurts. It drains me emotionally. I also don’t want to put that burden on every
single person that asks me how I’m doing. Because day to day, I wake up fresh
and feeling better, but my thoughts and concerns still prick me. They’re like a
wasp that keeps stinging me and I can’t kill it no matter how hard I try. This
is where my trust in the Lord needs to be at its strongest. And I do trust Him.
I just need Him to take care of some of these things a little faster.
